


P.O.W.

by WolfyWordWeaver



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blood and Violence, Cold War, F/M, Gun Violence, M/M, Mild Smut, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prisoner of War, Revenge, Vietnam War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:42:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22546492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfyWordWeaver/pseuds/WolfyWordWeaver
Summary: After 12 years of being assumed dead, Sirius Black reemerges as a Prisoner of War with a vendetta against the real traitor that framed him. Homeless and jobless, Remus Lupin struggles to make sense of the return of his lover and whether he should help with the revenge or if his own death is included in that vendetta.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 52





	P.O.W.

Remus sat anxiously in the thin metal chair that felt like it would buckle and fold him up at any second. His nails had already been bitten down to bloody quicks and both hands were tucked into the pockets of his corduroys. The stars were already out but he knew that among those glistening orbs was a giant metal bird that was bringing home a very delicate and precious gift. It was a chance to hear the truth of the matter. 

"Cigarette?" Major Moody asked from next to him, gnarled hands holding out the crumpled pack. 

"No, sir," he responded immediately and with sharp clear annunciation before realizing what he was doing and chuckling. "I'm sorry. No thank you."

"It's alright, son," the Major responded as he pocketed the pack. He had a smooth unopened pack settled on his lap, a peace offering for their visitor. "You haven't been in the army for over ten years, but the habits are hard to quit, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir," he sighed softly. The nightmares never seemed to go away either.

In fact, it was as if Vietnam never left him even when he had fled away so desperately. 

The doors at the end of the terminal opened and Remus felt his breath hitch as a figure both familiar and completely foreign limped past the doors and paused to shakily lean against the flight attendant's calling desk. Both Remus and Moody were on their feet and approached the man briskly, yet cautiously.

"Black? Son?"

Arms that were unnaturally thin tensed with wiry desperate muscles before the head glanced up carefully, grey eyes peeking out from under the rim of army green, and Remus felt much the same way he had when he received the call. Desperate longing, horror, rage, and terror. They wouldn't have treated him this way if he had been the traitor. They wouldn't have let him starve and rot. Would they?

"M-major?" the stranger in front of them croaked, his voice clearly in terrible shape. Was that from disuse or torture? "Major now, Moody?"

A hint of a smile curled on one corner of his lips before the muscles twitched terribly and he was left with a stony frown. 

"Yes, soldier," Moody replied, his own voice gruff but warm. "Let's get this briefing done over at the hotel. They say that you refused to talk to anyone else?" There was a short nod. "That's well enough. Want something to eat?" The Major looked over the too thin frame, his glass eye unmoving.

"Sure."

Remus almost snorted. Starved almost to death and here he was still acting too cool. A memory flashed through his brain unbidden, sweat-dampened shirt, bare arms, and kiss-bitten lips swollen around a cigarette. He stomped the memory's flame out as quickly as it burst forth. Black did not look him in the eye and he turned his own hazel eyes to the ground as they slowly made their way to the car. 

They picked some McDonald's food at the drive-through and made it to the clean and quiet motel. It was at the ground level, easily accessible to the car and not likely to cause a panic attack in the recently rescued Prisoner Of War. Although, really, was there anything that they could do that wouldn't trigger one bad memory or another? Too open and he'd be itching for cover. Too concealed and protected and he would be scrabbling from claustrophobia. 

But Black had already survived so much. Who was to say that he would be an emotional wreck and a psychotic mess? He had always been strong. A survivor.

They sat on the beds, Moody and Remus on one facing Black in the other. He was carefully breathing in the scent of the fried slivers of potatoes, mouth open softly with little puffs of exhalation. Once the video camera and voice recording equipment was set up, Moody lit up another cigarette and begun.

"Were you the traitor who provided keys to the radio talk?"

"No," the gravely voice responded flatly before that mouth carefully worked over a still-hot fry.

"If it wasn't you, then who was it?"

He chewed slowly, carefully, as if relishing every ounce of greasy flavor. Then the steel grey eyes looked straight at Remus for the first time as his next word was spit out angrily. "Pettigrew."

Moody didn't react other than to continue smoking calmly. Remus had to stare at the floor as he tried to process the new information.

"That so, Black? Got any proof?"

The sneer could easily be heard in the responding words. "Have your men been able to find the little rat since I surfaced? I'm sure he's off hiding away someplace now. No Purple Heart is going to protect him anymore. The fucking Pacific wasn't a wide enough trench to keep me away."

It was true. Peter had completely disappeared after the news broke of the POW found mostly dead on the shores of a Philippine island.

"Any other proof?" Moody asked, still seemingly untouched.

A tongue peeked out to drag across the overly chapped lips. "Nothing that would help now. Everything's buried and swept over. You're free to inspect the 'rewards' of my betrayal if you'd like." The last sentence was thick with sarcasm and anger. "I mean, hell, why wouldn't we all fucking turn sides with an offer like this?" 

"Major," Remus interrupted. "You said that there was a report about the location that Black gave when they found him?"

"Oh, yes." He leaned over to his briefcase and flipped through some papers. Remus was desperate for any kind of confirmation, that the words Sirius was speaking right now were the truth. "Here it is. Black, there was an investigation in the location that you shared with the army when they got you. There was a mass grave, just like you said, and several of the bodies were only days old. No one alive and it had already been vacated by any local military presence."

Remus felt his head swim and he leaned heavily on his knees. "Fucking shit," he whispered, the tears stinging in his eyes.

The Major cleared his throat and packed the papers away. "There's a lot more to talk about tomorrow, Black, but I think that's enough for tonight. Lupin and I are bunked in the rooms on either side of you. Let us know if you want or need anything. I'm already certain that your help in recovering the bodies of all those boys and helping to bring them back home will play a part in clearing your name and getting you the decorations you are owed."

"I don't want anything," Black responded softly. Remus looked up with wet eyes and he could see an anguish even deeper than Moody could ever understand. 

He wanted nothing but Peter dead. Revenge.

**

There was no sleep for Remus Lupin that night. He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the thin wall that kept him separated from Sirius. It wasn't the motel wall that was the biggest obstacle, though. It was 12 fucking years and all the hatred and hurts of betrayal. It was that choice he made that day, the choice to leave Sirius behind. His shaky hand wiped away the perspiration that had already been collecting on his forehead, the sounds of the helicopter blades still ringing in his ears. He could feel the wind whipping around, the sticky hot blood that had already soaked through his boot. The burn of the smoke in his eyes.

But more than all that he could feel the agony clear in those silver eyes as he realized what was going to happen.

Remus never wanted to let himself believe that Sirius was still alive. Because Sirius was as good as dead to him anyway, right? Once someone betrays you like that, it was better to hope, pray, and believe that they were dead. That maybe they finally got what they deserved. He also never wanted to let himself think about the possibility that maybe it hadn't been Sirius. Because that would have been unbearable. Because that would make _Remus_ the traitor. After all they went through together...

Swallowing down the groans of agony, Remus wondered if he could finally finish what he should have done years ago. His grey matter wasn't worth anything anymore.

Panic scratched at his throat, trying to claw its way up into the scream that it so desperately wanted to manifest as. He had been struggling everyday against the wall of guilt and shame and horror and this was the final piece that brought the wall of blackness toppling over. He gasped loudly as he forced open the motel door and staggered to the station wagon that he and Moody had ridden in. The key slipped out of his trembling hand several times before he could finally get it into the lock and then he sat heavily in the passenger seat before reaching under the seat. Moody kept the pistol taped under the seat for emergencies and he struggled to get it loose for only a few seconds. Sliding the magazine out he was relieved to see that it had three cool bullets inside. Clicking everything back into place he pressed the weapon against his temple and allowed himself a moment to feel the gut-wrenching sobs shake his whole body. This whole thing was his fault. He didn't want to live with the ghosts of his pain always hovering over him. He didn't want to keep being so dysfunctional that he couldn't keep a steady job. He didn't even deserve to live for what he put Sirius through. This would be justice. They would get Peter too, and that was all well and good, but Sirius wouldn't have his vengeance complete if Remus was still standing.

The safety was slid off as he sobbed again, not bothered to wipe the tears or snot. He desperately wanted to think back on those beautiful memories he kept tucked away for all these years but it seemed unfair to take peace in them now. This was a punishment. He needed to think of those haunted eyes and gaunt figure, focus on the fruits of his mistakes. Those would be the thoughts he deserved to take with him down to hell. 

The sound of the driver's side door opening made Remus jump and whip the pistol towards the blurry figure standing there. His aim was leveled immediately and his finger had the trigger squeezed halfway before he caught himself and stared. The thin figure sat onto the seat cushion seemingly without even making an indention. 

"What are you doing, Moony?" he asked tiredly, voice still scratchy. 

Remus swallowed thickly and wiped at his wet eyes roughly with the sleeve of his canvas jacket. "I'm doing the right thing. For the first time in 12 years."

Sirius scratched at his chin, the skin looking irritated from a fresh shave. "Can you give me the keys first, at least?" 

It took a few seconds of digging through his pockets with his still shaking hands before he produced the keys and set them into the outstretched hand being extra cautious about not letting any of their skin come in contact. He couldn't go through if he touched that flesh.

"Please get out of the car," he whispered. "You can kick my body out after I'm finished and just leave me on the pavement. I won't care."

Long fingers drummed against the steering wheel for a few moments. "Wouldn't it be better if I did it?" Sirius asked just as quietly. "You know that I'm going to kill Peter. Don't you think that I'd want to be the one to finish you off as well?"

It was true. Remus couldn't keep in the sob that bubbled up as he flipped the pistol in his hand, holding the grip out to Sirius. He deserved to die for many things, but Sirius deserved to do the honors. He forced his weeping eyes to look straight into those silvery orbs. 

"Do it however you want," he croaked. "I won't stop you at all." Sirius took the pistol gingerly and Remus realized that it had probably been well over a decade since Sirius had held one. He hoped that the recoil wouldn't hurt those thin wrists. "D-do you want to look me in the eye?" 

The dark-haired man looked thoughtful before nodding. "Yeah. I want you to see it coming, Moony."

"Okay."

Remus allowed himself to take in the thin figure with his eyes, groaning softly with the effort it took to keep his hands from reaching out to touch. This was not a parting gift for him. He needed to focus on the punishment it was. He needed to look into those hate-filled eyes and absorb every ounce of it. Remus needed to die knowing that his life was nothing but a waste and a hurt to everyone he loved. Steeling his resolve, Remus stared resolutely into those eyes and prayed that Sirius could see his regret and his own self-hatred.

 _"I'm sorry"_ didn't seem like a fair thing to say right now. It wouldn't repay any of the lost years. Sirius glared hard at him, the heat practically blistering. The hurt, the anguish, the _agony_ , all reflected so clearly. It made Remus cry even more, but he forced his eyes to remain open. The hand with the gun moved in his peripheral vision and reflexively Remus shut his eyes. Even facing a just death he was still a coward. 

There was no deafening crack, no bright lights, no pain. Just darkness and silence with a spreading warmth. It was a warmth that took him more than a few seconds to realize was coming from the vicinity of his lips. 

Hazel eyes shot open and a rush of dizziness accompanied the validation that he was still alive and that Sirius had indeed leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Hands that were miraculously not trembling anymore sunk into the long tangle of black hair and Remus opened up to the kiss like a wanderer in the desert would greet an oasis. He felt the thin hands cup his face and he moaned desperately into the other lips. Fresh hot tears rolled down his cheeks and spilled over the cool fingers. The rumble of a moan could be felt through his lips before Sirius pulled away slowly, his own panting breath as heavy as Remus' was.

"Remus," Sirius whispered, hands still cupping the other man's face. "I could never hurt you. Not then and certainly not now."

He felt himself crumbling into the arms of the man who should have been dead a hundred times over. A man who had been tortured and imprisoned for 12 years, who had escaped by swimming out into the ocean, who somehow managed to wash ashore another country's shore still breathing, and who made it back to him after all this time. And who impossibly still cared for him.

"Oh, fuck!" he sobbed against the bony chest. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

They were twisted uncomfortably to be in the embrace, so Remus thanked his lucky stars that this model had a bench seat he could slide over in to better curl up against Sirius. It had been many years since he allowed himself to cry over Sirius, and Remus allowed all of that to pour out over the army-issued t-shirt he was nuzzled up to. Insects still chirped and toads croaked in the dark air as he finally calmed down enough to once again catch his breath. His head was pounding in pain and his eyes ached with all the tears, but he looked back up into Sirius' face. He needed to be sure that this was true, that Sirius didn't want to hurt him. Silver eyes looked back down at him calmly and with a degree of patience that hadn't been there all those years ago. 

"Better?" Sirius asked with the tiniest hint of a smile.

"A little," Remus croaked in response with a wet chuckle. 

Sirius sniffed and lifted up the gun again, eyes critically examining it. "I'm going to kill Peter, Remus. I don't know how to find him, but I'm going to do it anyway."

He took a deep stuttering breath as he once again wiped at wet eyes with the canvas sleeve of his jacket. "We should go to his house first. There'll probably be a hint as to where he went into hiding."

A dark eyebrow rose. "We?"

Fury welled up and a fierce determination that hadn't been there in so long shone in his hardened hazel eyes. "Yes. I'm going to help you hunt that bastard down."

Sirius looked pleased and nodded. "We should get a head start before Moody has something to say about it. Do you need to grab anything from your room?"

Remus shook his head. ""I have everything that I need right here."

**

Standing lazily at the pump of the gas station, Remus allowed his eyes to glance over the figure sleeping all hunched up in the passenger seat. He had been sleeping lightly all through the early morning hours as Remus hadn't felt comfortable letting him drive yet. They had swapped vehicles an hour ago and were now in a rusty pickup truck that Remus had kept as an emergency escape vehicle. It had been parked out in the unused barn of Ms. Figg's property and had thankfully only been sitting there a month since its last tune-up. With the truck came a bug-out bag and the emergency cash that would be able to keep them afloat for up to six months if they were careful. Not that he thought they would need six months to smoke out the rat and take care of business. He chewed on a nailbed as he considered what they would need to do next if they couldn't find anything at Peter's place. 

Slipping behind the wheel he cleared his throat loudly enough to wake his soon to be partner-in-crime. "Sirius? Want to stop for some breakfast?"

Grey eyes snapped open and his muscles had tensed but he hadn't jerked in surprise with the wake-up call. "How far out are we?"

"We're about thirty minutes from his house. It would be good for us to get some food in our systems so that we're in good shape for when we go through his things."

Sirius thought for a moment then nodded. "That's fine. I can't stomach much, so nothing big."

"That's fine," he replied with a soft smile. "We can share a plate at the diner across the street."

Included in the bug-out bag was several changes of clothes and both of them had donned the civilian outfits before they went into the diner. It wasn't as hard to wear the army green these days, but it was still a habit and better safe than sorry. Remus didn't want to risk getting into a fight right now or having anyone spit on Sirius. He wouldn't be able to control himself if anyone even gave Sirius a wrong look. The large platters of pancakes, eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns smelled delicious and Remus quietly watched Sirius pick at the food until he was finished before wolfing the remnants up. They didn't speak again until after they pulled to a stop in a park just down the road from Peter's place.

"He's nearby?"

Remus cranked the window mostly up as he responded. "His place is. I've got a spare key so we won't need to break in or anything. Just walk with me casually and no one will notice anything."

"Okay."

The walk over took less than ten minutes and then they were in the quiet house. Sirius blinked a few times as he glanced around at the simply furnished home. His eyebrows raised after catching sight of the large television and Remus realized that there were a lot of technological advances that would probably surprise Sirius. He hadn't even been properly exposed to the new music. Seeing Sirius catch sight of the wall of photos, he felt another wave of grief and regret. There were so many things that Sirius had missed out on.

"Harry is thirteen years old now. Just turned not that long ago."

"He looks just like James," Sirius choked out before covering it with a cough. Remus winced as Sirius caught sight of the recent family photo. "Is that fucking _Snape_?" he growled angrily and Remus nodded.

"Sorry, I should have said something earlier. Yeah, Lily and Severus got married a couple of years ago." A slew of colorful words spilled past the other man's lips and Remus sighed. "It's...look, I know. But they've been through a lot of counseling and he's really been working on things. Lily wouldn't marry him until she was sure that he and Harry would be able to get on."

"He's a fucking snake!" Sirius growled as he wheeled around on Remus with angry fire burning in his eyes.

"People can change, Sirius," he replied quietly, picking at a loose strand on his sleeve. "We aren't best friends or anything, but he's tolerable now. And more than that he loves Lily and is taking care of her. It was really hard after...after James was killed."

Remus could understand the turmoil on Sirius' face. It had been a picture perfect relationship, Lily and James. High school sweethearts who got married right after graduation and had a baby only a year later. They had been perfect together and seeing Lily with anyone else was jarring. Seeing Lily and Harry with anyone else hurt. But Lily deserved happiness again, and if Severus was willing to put in the work then why shouldn't he get the opportunity to make her happy?

"I...don't..."

Remus stepped forward and closed the distance between them. "I know, Sirius." This time he was the one to cup the other man's face. "And if he had dared to lay a hand on either of them I would have already dumped his body out in a field somewhere. He's not James and will never be, but she's happy again."

For a moment he could see the deep well of sorrow glimmering in those eyes, then like a car door being slammed shut it was gone. Sirius stepped away and put some distance between them again. He looked back around the tidy home.

"Let's look for Peter."

Trying to ignore the tingling in his fingers where they had held Sirius, Remus nodded. They combed through the house looking for any hints of a bug-out location or any other hints of his whereabouts. Remus tried not to think of the last time he was in this house, only a couple of weeks ago for a "guy's night out" with Harry, Severus, and Peter. Lily had wanted to spend some time with her girl friends so they had all gotten together and taught Harry the various card games that they had played all through their service. It was also the last time that Severus had quietly slipped him another bundle of cash because he had been without work for going on ten months this time. The note from Lily tucked between the bills had reminded him that he was always welcome to stay in their guest house if he wanted to. 

Pausing as he stared at the wood paneling around the bedroom, Remus tried not to think about how he had spent 12 years with a traitor as a dear friend. He had struggled so much to accept Severus into their group and yet in the end he ended up being far more noble than Peter who had always been there. The Peter he had comforted. The Peter who had always seemed so much more functional than Remus had. Who had found work, made plenty of money, who owned a house. 

The Peter who always casually kept people away from his bedroom and never even brought girlfriends over.

The room looked as bland and tidy as the rest of the house, but his eyes fell on a corner of the wood paneling that seemed to be jutting out as if it hadn't been properly nailed down. Squatting down, Remus dug his ragged fingertips under the thin material and jerked at it until there was a popping sound and the panel came up. There were several spaces on the drywall that had shadows of the packets that had been taped up back there, but other than the sticky residue there was nothing left. He had taken everything already. 

"He's going to be gone soon," Remus mumbled helplessly. "He'll be gone. There's nothing we can do."

A shaking hand came up to wipe at his forehead again, pressing back the sweat-soaked curls. Sirius needed this vengeance and he was failing already. He failed by believing in Peter and he kept failing as the years passed by. Failing. It was the only thing that Remus Lupin was any good at. 

_Dark eyes looked up at him eagerly, dark hands held out._

_Laughter. Chocolate._

_Fire. Napalm._

"Remus?"

Wet eyes looked up at Sirius leaning against the door frame. 

"We might have already missed him, Sirius. If he's left the country then it's hopeless."

Sirius bit his lip in thought for a few seconds before responding. "He'd been working with the Russians, I think. Maybe still is."

Just as he opened his mouth, Remus paused in thought. Peter would need access to equipment to communicate secretly with others. He probably didn't have access to the resources to help him skip out of the country right away. If he had to wait on anything there was only one place that would make a good hideout.

"The fallout shelter," he finally murmured. "Lily, Severus, and Harry are away on vacation."

"What shelter?" Sirius looked confused.

"The fucking Russians," Remus responded softly. "Severus wasn't about to let the risk of them dropping a nuke on us keep him from protecting Lily. He built them a huge fallout shelter in the backyard. They still live at the Potter estate."

"Let's head there."

Taking one last look around, Remus got to his feet and they quietly exited the house.

**

"I haven't seen you eat any chocolate yet. Do you need to stop and get a fix?"

Sirius' voice was teasing but Remus tensed up and squeezed the steering wheel desperately tight. 

"I don't eat it anymore," he squeezed out through the taut vocal cords.

Sirius continued looking out the window as the wind blew his hair haphazardly around. He looked like a shaggy dog enjoying a ride in the car. 

"That wasn't your fault, you know." Remus just continued to stare at the road, but Sirius continued. "There was a shit ton of miscommunication. Peter probably had a hand in that too."

"We can't just blame him for everything," he replied with a sharp bite. "He set you up and that's fucking clear, Sirius. But we can't just backtrack and blame him for all of it."

Sirius was looking at him now, the bags under his eyes still heavy and dark. "It still wasn't your fault, Remus."

"Look, you don't need to do this," Remus growled angrily. "You're the one who's been suffering for twelve damn years! You don't need to try to make me feel better. I don't deserve it and I don't want it."

_I don't deserve you._

The silver eyes turned back to the landscape. It should have all been familiar to him, but over a decade had changed a lot of things and Sirius wouldn't have been able to find the Potter estate on his own. There were new roads and buildings all around, and even the smell was more industrialized than the rural scent Sirius had absorbed quickly after moving in with them at the young age of sixteen.

_His nose pressed against the pale neck and he breathed in the floral scents of Euphemia's garden. "I missed you," he whispered._

_Strong large hands groped his backside hungrily and Remus couldn't help the soft moan that was quickly swallowed down by those insistent lips._

_"Fuck, it's been so long," that voice growled against his ear and he could feel his knees going to jelly. "We can do it here quick."_

_"S-sirius, what if they catch us?!" he hissed back urgently. He couldn't bare the thought of Sirius getting kicked out of another home._

_Those hands pressed him against the dark sheets and Remus quaked as he saw the predator hovering over him. "Bury your face in the pillow and they won't hear," he responded with a smirk._

_The truth was that Sirius had always been the louder of the two of them but he kept his teeth sunk into Remus' shoulders as he mercilessly fucked the taller boy into his bedsheets. The open window wafted in the warm grassy scents as the boys panted and tried to keep their sounds of pleasure to a minimum._

Remus felt his head swimming and he wanted to pull over just to get a grip on himself. The more he was around Sirius the harder it was to keep the memories at bay. They had so very many memories together. Middle and High school. Answering the draft with James. Vietnam. 

Closer to the estate things seemed to morph back into more familiar scenery. The ancient twisted trees, old estates still standing, and flat expanses of fields. Sirius hung his hand out the window, allowing it to surf the breeze. He almost seemed content and Remus wished that he was returning to his old home under better circumstances.

"What are you going to do after we get Peter?" he found himself asking softly. Sirius couldn't come back here like he could if James was still alive.

"There's some more graves that I think I could help point out," he murmured softly. "I'm not entirely sure what else, though. Maybe I'll look up Regulus and see if he's got anything for me to do."

Remus felt the familiar sinking feeling in his stomach just as he had when Sirius saw the Snape-Potter family photo. 

"He, uh, he got killed. Out there."

The hand that had been carelessly surfing the breeze was pulled in and placed over the weary eyes. Sirius swallowed thickly. 

"When?"

"He got killed around the time of that last mission. I...I rode the plane with him. We were able to bring him home."

Sirius was silent for a few beats before asking another question. "Was it quick?"

Remus would never be able to forget the pale body, those dead eyes. "Yeah. He didn't suffer much."

"Th-that's good," Sirius sniffled. "B-better than being taken."

"Yeah." They sat quietly for a few more minutes before pulling up down the road from the estate. Remus shut the truck off and looked over at the trembling body. "You might ought to get the military lawyer to look into claiming your family estate. Your parents are dead now and everything's in a trust fund or something. Last I heard, at least. Malfoy has been waiting for it to finally pass over to him but maybe you can make a claim on it."

"I don't want their fucking money."

"It's just...maybe it'll give you something to hold on to until you decide what to do and where to go."

Taking a few deep breaths, Sirius pulled his hand down from his eyes, wiping away at the tears and he nodded towards the manor. "Let's get going. Give me that pistol."

Remus handed it to him and then they both stepped out quietly. 

"Let me go down first. Your best bet is to take him by surprise."

Gritting his teeth as he cut through to the wooded area beyond the play yard, they crunched over the decaying leaves and the scraggly sticks. It was going to be getting dark soon. He noted the notched symbol in a familiar willow tree, following along a path he knew well and paused as he stood over the entryway. It had been used recently and he felt a sudden thrill. He had been right. Hopefully Peter was still in there and not already on some plane flying over the ocean. He reached over to the keypad and clicked down on the numbers with slow and deliberate motions. Sirius blended back into the woods and Remus felt a small smile curl over his lips unbidden. A lifetime of sneaking around had always made Sirius good at hiding. 

The door was a little difficult to heft open and Remus wondered if those skinny arms Sirius had could have even managed to haul it open. Probably not. His heart dropped a little at the darkness that greeted him from the open door, but he decided to check it out anyway. With a grunt he bypassed the ladder and just hopped down into the entry room. He stumbled a bit after landing and braced himself against the cool wall before glancing into the darkness.

"Peter?" he called out softly, hoping that his voice was bare of any hatred and resentment. 

A cold metallic muzzle pressed against the back of his neck. 

"W-what are you doing here?" the shaky voice asked and Remus didn't try to hide his sigh of relief.

"No one can find you, man. I was worried."

There was a mirthless laugh.

"Black is going to come and kill me. You know that."

Remus turned slowly, a little surprised that the gun had not been put aside. Peter was standing there quite pale and with wide, almost crazed eyes.

"It doesn't matter if that's what he wants, Peter. The Army isn't going to just let a traitor walk around free."

"He's going to lie to them," Peter replied testily, swiping a nervous tongue over his lip. "Do you think that bastard is going to just admit to what he did and take another prison sentence? Fuck! Why didn't they fucking kill him?!"

It took everything in Remus' sense of control not to just attack the smaller man in front of him.

"Look, I don't know, but it's not going to do any good hiding out here. You should already be with the Army! Tell them the truth, again and again if you have to!"

The gun was pulled away half an inch but his forefinger was still firmly on the trigger.

"You were his fuckbuddy," Peter spat out harshly and Remus couldn't help the rage that glinted in his eyes. "How do I know that you're not here on his orders? You always did what he wanted!"

He didn't hesitate to lunge towards Peter, grasping handfuls of the front of his shirt and shoving him against the adjacent wall. 

"Fuck you!" he shouted at the surprised man, not caring that the pistol was dropped. "Just because I fucked with him doesn't mean that I don't have morals or loyalty!" The tears were hot in his eyes as he continued. "Are you forgetting who saved your fucking ass out there in the jungle?! The one who left Sirius down there to fucking rot?! I could have picked him up too! I could have brought him along and let the MPs sort things out, but I fucking didn't!" He gave Peter one final shove angrily and stepped back. "I fucking left him to die, Peter."

The truth hung heavily between them and Remus just watched as his best friend for the last 12 years bent forward to pick up the gun.

"I-I'm sorry," he chuckled nervously. "It's just...well, you know how it is."

"Yeah," Remus spat back angrily. "Once a bitch, always a bitch?"

"I didn't mean it that way," he tried to soothe. "You guys were just such good friends and I thought...well, you would believe any lie he gave."

Remus knew that he was gullible. He had been tricked by many people in his life and never seemed to learn. Maybe Sirius was lying now? Remus couldn't imagine how, but he also hadn't believed Peter capable of the lies and betrayals either. Sirius had been a master liar and shameless manipulator. Wouldn't it make more sense that he was the one still lying? He could still help the military find the bodies of other prisoners even if he was still guilty of the betrayal. Anything to keep out of more prisons. He leaned back against the ladder and rubbed at his forehead. Sirius had the gun and had every opportunity to shoot him but he didn't. Maybe he knew that he couldn't find Peter without Remus' help. 

At one point in his life he thought that he knew what was right and wrong.

"Peter," he finally sighed. "We need to end this. Let's go."

"Okay," Peter sighed as well before leaning forward and squeezing Remus' shoulder. "I'm sorry. For all of it."

Remus faced the ladder and climbed up. His eyes darted around and saw no sign of Sirius. He wanted so badly for Peter to be wrong, for the only person he had ever shared everything with to be innocent. He wanted to dream of another chance between them, of the opportunity to taste that flesh and be fucked raw, to know nothing again but the carnal pleasures. To have arms hold him through the night, and eyes that never judged him for his tremors or nightmares. He wanted to kiss away the hurts and spend the rest of his life atoning for his betrayal.

"You should put that gun away," Remus stated loudly. "I'll try to set something up with Moody but he won't like it if you're carrying."

"Moody?" Peter asked as he brushed the dust off the knees of his trousers. 

Before he could respond, the very clear voice of Sirius spoke up from behind them.

"Drop the gun you worthless rat."

Everyone froze and Remus closed his eyes as he tried to calm his heart. This was it. The truth. 

"S-sirius!" Peter squeaked.

"The gun. NOW."

Remus turned slowly, his hands above his head to see Sirius with the pistol leveled in their direction, his arms steady. Peter leaned forward and tossed the gun into the leaves. 

"T-tell Remus the truth!" Peter spoke out in challenge. "Tell him that it's your fault that James died!"

Silver eyes were as cold as the steel in his hands. "It's my fault that James died."

It felt like a sucker punch had knocked all of the air out of his system and Remus physically stumbled back. His head and heart couldn't take any of this anymore.

"You should have died!" Peter shot back, gaining courage even faced with certain death. "They should have killed you!"

"Yes, Peter," he responded again smoothly. "I deserved to die but I haven't yet. So I'm here to make sure that you get what you deserve."

Like a man possessed, Remus strode forward and planted himself firmly in front of Peter. His eyes burned full of hatred. "You fucker," he hissed.

Sirius didn't look surprised, but his lips still twitched in annoyance. "Remus, he's still the fucking traitor and I'm still going to kill him."

"You just admitted to killing James!" Remus screamed angrily. "I'm not going to let you keep killing all of my friends! We trusted you, dammit!"

"Because I knew there was a fucking traitor, you ass!" Sirius shot back angrily. "I knew, and I fucking thought it was you, okay?! If I had figured out the truth sooner, James would still be alive!"

This new revelation shocked him as much as the previous admittance. "What?" he gasped. "Me?"

The solid cylinder of a muzzle was pressed against him for the second time that day and by the same person. "Of course, Remus," Peter hissed. "You were the only one losing your fucking head out there!" Of course Peter had a second gun on his person.

"Now get out of the way," Sirius ordered not knowing that there was now another gun in the mix. "I want a clear shot of this fucker."

"I don't think so," Peter snarled as he lifted the pistol up to the back of Remus' head. "If you want to get to me, then you need to shoot your little fuck toy."

Unadulterated rage crossed over Sirius' face and Remus felt like he had ruined it all again. Failure. That's all he was and all he would ever be. He would die a failure.

"You better leave him alone," Sirius warned with a growl. "Or I won't kill you quick. I'll introduce you to all the tortures the commies liked to test out on me."

"There's no chance, Black! Drop the gun or I'll put a bullet in his head!"

Sirius was shaking with anger now, his hands wavering as he tried to figure out what to do. Remus bowed his head.

"He's going to kill us anyway, Sirius," he stated clearly. "We know the truth." He glanced back up to look into those grey eyes once more. "Don't let him get you too."

"Everyone, put the fucking guns on the ground!" All three men jumped at the new voice and turned to see a very pissed off Severus Snape with two pistols leveled at them. His dark eyes darted back and forth between Peter and Sirius. "On the ground, gentlemen or I'm apt to 'accidentally' pull the triggers. I won't lose sleep over any of you lot."

"You fucking idiot!" Sirius growled angrily.

"Just do what he says!" Remus tried, knowing that the old hard feelings between the two black-haired men would only be a hindrance in this show down.

A shot rang out, leaves and dirt kicking up at Sirius' feet and they all jumped again. Severus sneered. "That was the warning shot, Black. Put. The fucking. Gun. Down."

"He's the one with a gun at Remus' head!" Sirius protested again.

"You know that I'm as good with my left, Peter," Severus calmly warned. "And you know that I won't care if Remus gets caught in the cross-fire." 

Sirius cursed angrily but Severus didn't budge. Remus could feel the trembling gun at the back of his head and wondered what the next few seconds would hold. Everyone was stretched taut and anxious.

"Fuck this," Peter hissed and Remus felt the gun drop from it's place against his scalp.

Remus let out a sigh of relief and offered a weak smile to Sirius before the loud crack of a gunshot echoed and he watched the gaunt man stumble backwards. He tried to scream and run over but he oddly fell to his knees, gushes of red pouring down his stomach and bubbling up his throat. There were other shots ringing out, but Remus seemed frozen in confusion as he saw the red blooming across his abdomen and torso, his hands instinctively moving up to get stained in the hot liquid. The coppery taste he hated rolled over his tongue and down over his lips before his vision swam and he fell to his side, white hot pain shooting through his body. He didn't know if he was screaming or not, there was a ringing in his ears.

Sirius was suddenly hovering over him, words mouthing something and his eyes wide and wet with tears. His sleeve was soaking in blood, but he otherwise looked okay. Remus was glad for that. Hands pressed over the bloody mess of his stomach and he was sure that he screamed at that, but blissfully heard nothing. Soon he wouldn't see anything either - the edges of his vision were already darkening. Hot tears fell to his face like raindrops and he stared stupidly at that still beautiful face. He had aged an incredible amount in 12 years, but he was still so very beautiful. Those moving lips meant nothing to him and he raised one of his bloody hands to stroke that lovely cheek. 

There were so many things he wished he could say, but he was getting tired. His eyes were sliding shut, and Remus was grateful that his last vision would be that of Sirius Black.

**

_"How are you doing, Minnie?" Remus asked happily as the young girl skipped up to him along with her brother. She giggled as she always did at his English words. Her dark eyes glittered as she held out her hands eagerly._

_"She just loves you for your chocolate," Sirius teased, a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips._

_"That's okay," Remus responded as he dug out a chocolate bar from his pocket. Minnie jumped excitedly and immediately turned to her brother as she worked the wrapper off. "I love chocolate too."_

_He grinned at the children and then the smile slowly began to fade as he watched them. Both of the children were from a village nearby and had been coming to visit their outpost for weeks. Neither of them knew any English, but they loved coming to see the men and the large vehicles. They especially loved Remus and all the candy that they could get from him. Remus would pull them onto his lap and tell them all kinds of stories and they would always just watch him in amazement. They were the most beautiful children he had seen besides the photos of Harry that James would share with them._

_"I think I'm going to-" Sirius started before Remus interrupted him._

_"Sirius," he whispered as he grabbed the man's bare arm tightly. "L-look."_

_The shorter man sucked deeply from his fag and then carefully stubbed it against his boot before kneeling into the muddy ground. "_ Hello, loves, _" he greeted in Vietnamese, always having been good at picking up languages. "_ Can Uncle see your clothes? _" he asked sweetly and the two of them agreed immediately. They were looking decidedly more lumpy than usual and Sirius used careful fingers to pull up their shirts to reveal the C4 and trigger that had been taped to their bodies. "_ Who put this on you, my darlings _?" he asked, voice still sweet._

 _"_ Daddy did _," Minnie responded easily before sucking on a piece of her chocolate. "_ Said me and brother had to wear it for protection today _."_

 _Stroking her cheeks and still smiling he jerked his head towards Remus. "_ Uncle is going to help you take it off, okay? We have better protection for you, okay _?"_

 _"_ Okay _!" she replied before she grabbed her brother's hand and pulled him up to Remus again._

_"Help them out of that," Sirius snarled in English as he stood. "James and I are going to go make a house call."_

_Remus grasped Sirius' arm tightly. "Please be careful," he begged, trying not to let the tears come. "Come back to me."_

_The look softened on Sirius' face and he glanced around quickly before grasping Remus' chin and planting a firm kiss on his lips. "I'll be back. The children should stay here with us and we'll find them another home, okay?"_

_That was the beginning of the end, even if he hadn't known it at the time. Minnie and Mickey were confused as to why they couldn't go back home, but they were already familiar and comfortable with the soldiers. When Sirius came back covered in blood and James with a blank expression, Remus didn't say anything and tried not to think on it. He said nothing when the entire village was bombed the following week based off of "reliable intel". He ignored the heated glares that Severus sent his way as they packed up and went off on another mission._

_It wasn't until the explosives were going off and they were knee deep in another endless firefight that he started to feel it, the cracking along the fragile edges of his mind. With each earth-shaking explosion he could just see those precious children smiling as their bodies were destroyed, nothing but blood and gore splashed across the ground. Vomiting behind a tree as the bullets whizzed past was nothing new, they had all done it, but dropping his weapon and clutching hands over his ears as he screamed was. They were going to die. Innocent people were going to die. There was nothing that they could do._

_That's when the concerned looks started. The whispered conversations. He loved the Viet Congs too much._

_Remus would jerk awake with Sirius shoving a sock into his mouth to muffle his nightmare-induced screams. His hands would lose all sensation leaving James to carry his weapon while they slogged their way through the always damp terrain. They had always had a strict no-sex policy during missions to keep their relationship on the down-low, but Remus would increasingly find himself with pants and trousers shoved down on his thighs and Sirius desperately fucking him, anything to try to keep him grounded in this reality. Sirius would whisper hotly that they wouldn't be here much longer that he just needed to keep it together for a little bit longer._

_When they lost communication and had to make the long trek back to the base, Remus had felt a fear deeper than he had ever before. They were blind and alone in enemy territory hopelessly dependent on each other and he couldn't keep his hands from shaking. Now he saw the faces of the parents that Sirius surely murdered. Did Sirius kill them quickly? A bullet to the back of the head, execution style maybe? The blood on his shirt that he could see spoke otherwise. Then they found what was left of the outpost, charred and smelling of napalm and Remus could feel more fragments cracking. Minnie and Mickey were dead, their flesh melted and having been feasted on by carrion. James and Sirius took turn yelling angrily over the radio trying to figure out what the fuck had happened. Things were falling apart everywhere. They were almost out of supplies and far from the new battle front. They had been abandoned for dead. Severus clutched desperately at his crucifix, muttering Hail Mary prayers and Peter trembled quietly against the blackened remains of the mess hall. Sirius was screaming vitriol about the damned Army and it's weak-assed policies. They were no better than the Viet Cong parents offering babies up as sacrifice._

_That's really what Peter had latched on to in the next few weeks of scraping and surviving, whispering poisonous words about Sirius not being all there and being willing to do anything he thought was best regardless of loyalties to any country._

_Crushed by the never ending life-and-death for so many weeks, relationships were deteriorating and fear was eating away at all of them. There were no more friendlies, just enemies to mow down and scavenge from. It felt like they didn't sleep or eat for two weeks solid, doing all that they could to reach that front line. It had seemed so simple then, that they would do whatever they had to in order to survive and then as soon as they crossed that mythical line of protection everything would be okay. They would be safe again. James had wept in relief as they stumbled behind the artillery, gasping through the pain of the bullet that grazed his leg. The would be safe. Sirius squeezed Remus to his chest, and Remus tried not to think of how easily those same arms broke arms and necks, the knife at his hip still covered in the copious blood of the lives he ended - all because he had run out of bullets._

_It was less than six hours later that the bombs were falling and the enemy was baring down on them with far more forces than they should have had. It was hell burning on earth, the ever present moisture turning to steam all around them. Charlie had them overrun, close combat now required. Remus and James were frantically searching for Sirius and Peter when they came across Severus bleeding out over the corpse of the soldier he had been fighting against._

_"Get the fuck out of here!" he screamed in a mixture of pain and anger. "Leave me, damn it! The birds are almost here and you have to get to them or your all fucking dead!" Blood gushed from his legs._

_James. Noble James._

_Shoving up the glasses that had been sliding down his sweaty nose, he turned to face the men that were running towards them. "Fix him up well enough to run, Moony," he ordered._

_His M-16 kept the enemy at bay while Remus cinched the bleeding down with tourniquets from Severus' med pack and James used the last of his grenades to give them the best head start that he could before he kept the rear guard on their retreat._

_"You're fucking idiots!" Severus was yelling as he screamed through putting weight on his damaged legs. "Damn it, Potter, leave me!"_

_Mud splashed across them as another grenade went off._

_"Just shut up and keep moving, soldiers!" James commanded, his Commanding Officer voice practically raw from how much he'd had to use it. "Remus, you get that bastard to the birds, got it?!"_

_Remus clung to that voice, to the orders that he had been trained to obey without fail. His muscles screamed as they were required to carry almost the full weight of another adult man in their sprint to life and freedom, but that was irrelevant to the order he had to fulfill. They could see the metallic glint of the spinning blades, darkness and the crimson reflection of the flames burning making them look more like dangerous wild creatures than salvation._

_"They're up ahead!" he called back, looking over to see James' determined expression before brown eyes widened in surprise and a spray of warm blood covered Remus' face._

_James' body crumbled to the muddy ground, the life already extinguished by the head wound, and Remus dropped Snape to scramble over, desperate to do something._

_"No!" he wailed, cradling the face, and feeling the hot blood pour over his hands and soaking through his uniform. The heart hadn't even realized that the brain was gone. "Fuck, no, fucking shit, JAMES!!!"_

_A hail of shots rang next to them, a piece of shrapnel cutting across the bridge of his nose and he staggered back._

_"Lupin!" Severus was calling out in a panic. "We have to move!"_

_Slick hands ripped off the dog tags and he pulled out the letter he knew James had kept wrapped in waterproof plastic. The picture of Lily and Harry fell out with the letter and he almost grabbed that too but paused with tears in his eyes. It didn't seem right to take them away from James now. He wanted to disregard all orders and try to drag the body with him but what was left of his logic knew that if he tried to carry James and Severus then all three of them would be dead. All he could do was rush Severus to the bird and hope that he had enough time to come back and collect the body. He tucked the photo into James' hand and hauled Severus up to continue their mad dash to the helicopters. The blood from the cut across his face mixed with James' blood and all he could taste was their lives mixed._

_They were knocked to the ground by the shockwaves of a huge explosion not far from them and while the world was still spinning Peter came running up and jerked him up._

_"We need to run!" he screamed in fear. "Sirius is a fucking traitor! He gave them out location and cut off the fucking coms! We got to go!"_

_Grabbing the back of Severus' trousers and hefting him up once more Remus felt like his brain had been scrambled beyond repair after that last explosion. His base brain, the one that ran all of his involuntary body functions, continued to demand one step in front of the other; it demanded that he carry out James' last order, all else be damned. With Peter's help they were moving faster and the gunner from the helicopter was laying down cover for them as they struggled over._

_"No, you're wrong!" he shouted over the thumping shots of the bullets. "Why would you-"_

_"I saw him kill them all!" Peter shrieked and the fear on his face was sincere. "He fucking killed them all!"_

_As they pulled up to the side of the helicopter hands grabbed carelessly, jerking on bloody wounds and pulling them up in._

_"The damn coms are down!" the pilot screamed over his shoulder. "We've got to go now!"_

_"I need to get James!" Remus cried as he looked over the sweltering mess of what was left of their company._

_"We need to go now!" the pilot ordered. "Is there anyone else coming?!"_

_Remus looked over the carnage, desperately searching for Sirius. It couldn't be...but the coms were down like Peter said. Peter had seen it all. James was dead. Severus was going to bleed out._

_"No, no!" Peter screamed. "Get the fuck out of here!"_

_The entire aircraft lurched as they lifted into the air, hot wind and smoke blowing over and through them all. Severus had passed out and the medic was shouting for help as he ripped open packets of sterile bandages. Remus felt the tears well in his eyes as he saw the face-down body of his friend left behind, the dog tags clutched tightly in his own hand. There was a movement as he caught sight of black hair whipping in the wind and grey eyes wide and frightened. He opened his mouth to tell them to get the fuck back down there, that there was one man left behind, but his voice caught. Sirius had betrayed them? He had led Charlie right to them and caused James to take a bullet to the head in the ensuing battle? The bright red blood all over Sirius' uniform screamed guilt, his favorite KA-BAR dripping in hand with the lives it had claimed, but his face spoke of incredulity. Remus brought a shaking hand up to his mouth, the one with James' dog tags and he stifled the words that came out begging for them to turn back. He watched the panicked face knowing that he was leaving Sirius all alone with the enemy...although wasn't Sirius the enemy now too?_

_The tree canopy soon swallowed the image of the frightened Sirius, leaving only the orange of flames to paint the black sky and the dark shadows. Remus cried then._

**

Blood was the only thing he could remember tasting and as he stared at the bright lights Remus wondered vaguely if the bright lights people saw in death was actually indicative of their entry to hell rather than to the pleasant afterlife it was usually associated with. After all, Remus could never earn his way to heaven. A shuffle came from beside him and he tilted heavy eyes over to see a familiar face looking sickly pale.

"Can you hear me, Moony?"

"Did you die too?" he croaked, wondering at death making him feel so heavy and lethargic. There was pain, but not nearly enough compared to what he assumed of eternal damnation.

Sirius smiled softly and stroked his face, thumb brushing along the edges of the scar that cut across his face.

"I'm not dead yet."

"Oh." Remus wrinkled his brows in confusion and thought on it for a moment while Sirius continued to stroke his face. "I'm still alive?"

"And on some heavy medication," Sirius chuckled again. 

Remus grinned slowly. "You look happy, Padfoot."

A shudder ran through the thin body at the sound of the intimate nickname. "I-it's been a long time since I've heard that name, Moony."

"I'm so sorry," he sighed heavily, feeling his eyes droop in exhaustion. "I never should have left you behind. I never should have believe it."

Those fingers ran through his greasy hair carefully. "I forgive you, Remus." A tender kiss was pressed against each cheek. "I forgave you the moment I realized what was happening."

"You shouldn't have."

This made Sirius chuckle again. "I forgive you but it still hurts sometimes. On bad days I'm angry with you all over again, but I truly forgive you. I never wanted to hurt you and I still don't."

Remus raised a hand up, surprised that it wasn't coated in blood, and stroked the stubble on Sirius' cheek. 

"What happened to Peter?"

"He's with Moody," he responded evenly. "Severus pretty much blasted his fucking hand off after he shot you but managed to convince me not to kill the slimy worm. Now he's being interrogated by the military or whoever the fuck is still dealing with this Cold War shit. And it may have 'accidentally' been slipped to the Russians that Peter is informing on them now, so I wouldn't expect him to be around for much longer."

Hazel eyes stared at the moving mouth with a dazed look and nodded slowly. "That's good, Padfoot. I'm glad."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes and Remus almost drifted off to sleep again before he heard Sirius speak up again.

"I, uh, lost Uncle Alphard's place a couple of years ago. Legally, I mean. They sold it off. But, uh, my lawyer says that it shouldn't take much to get me reinstated as the inheritor of my family's estate. Seems like Regulus wrote me in as the heir of his will before he got shipped off. The little shit."

"He was a lot like you," Remus whispered, trying not to think of the boy, too soon gone.

"He was better than me," Sirius murmured with a sad shake of his head. "Look, I know this is kind of crazy me being back after so long but...do you want to move in with me when you get out of here?" Remus stared at him in surprise and saw a healthy blush rise over those sharp cheeks. "Like, properly move in with me? Be my lover again? N-not that we have to _do_ anything for a while, just...get to know each other again?"

"...you want _me_?" Remus asked incredulously. "After what happened...you want me back?"

Two hands came up and firmly held his own weak hands and Sirius stared firmly into his hazel eyes. "Absolutely. I love you, Remus. I thought about you every single day I was out there and thinking about you kept me alive when I didn't think I could take anymore. I loved you then and I still love you now. I want you...if you'll take me."

Remus chuckled wetly as he nodded, pulling Sirius into a soft kiss. "I never stopped wanting you, Sirius."

Sirius had a few happy tears rolling down his cheek too as he giggled, a sound so foreign coming from such a grizzled face. "It won't be easy, Moony. And this is for the long run, for forever. I think it might take us that long to get it all figured out."

"It would make me the happiest man," Remus replied honestly.

This wasn't the end of the nightmares. Those would stay for a great deal longer. It wasn't the end of the hurts either, but the two of them held on to the chance at love again.

**Author's Note:**

> Whew! Usually I try to break up long-ass stories like this but I felt like it needed to stay a one-shot. There's so much still left to unpack for these characters and I love the complexity. There might be a spin-off showing Severus' side of things which would include the Death Eater company and more reasons why there was such distrust among everyone, as well as a look into how he and Lily worked through things.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
